Emotional
I mentioned in my previous post that there have been a lot of new babies in my life recently and this has thrown me in the middle of a huge amount of emotional turmoil.
For a few years now I have thought myself ready to have children. I have given it a lot of thought and honestly feel that I can deal with anything that would be thrown my way. However James did not feel ready and so we waited…
Over the last year or so a lot of people in my life have announced they are pregnant or have just give birth (work colleagues, friends and family). With each new arrival my biological clock has seemed to tick a little faster.
Recently James told me he was ready and so we started trying…
My main concern is that I will not be able to get pregnant. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which can make it difficult to conceive. Added to this is that I am nearly 30 and my fear is that if it takes a long time to conceive then my natural level of fertility will also decrease, giving me a much lower chance of becoming a mother.
The last straw however was that my closest friend told me that she is pregnant, and that just tipped me over the edge. My friend has been concentrating on her career. She didn’t want a baby yet. She and her husband have a lot of debt issues. However she has fallen pregnant anyway.
I am really happy for her, as I know that they are happy too, but a part of me is really struggling to deal with it. How could she get pregnant when it was not so important to her? Why has it happened to her and not to me? I am a huge bundle of emotions, although I truly feel guilty that my happiness for her is tinged with such jealousy.
The worst bit of all is that noone seems to really understand how I am feeling… All I can think about is what will happen if I can’t get pregnant? What will I do? At the moment I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
